Getting to know our son's needs

I'm in Atlanta this weekend attending the Created for Care retreat.  It's been an amazing time of fellowship, learning and hearing God speak and we still have tomorrow! 

I was talking about attachment with another adoptive mom this afternoon and I remembered the post Rob wrote about our meeting Henry and his attachment. For some this is a repeat but I really felt as though I should re-post it. 

Today was the day! We would finally meet our son! We traveled to Ethiopia with two other couples and we were all filled with butterflies. Our hosts came out and invited the first couple in. And then the second.

Then it was our turn - and we were told, "Your son is napping."
For a deflating two hours, we mingled with the other children at the orphanage and took pictures on behalf of other waiting parents. We would stick our heads in the room of the sleeping 2-year-olds and hope our son had awakened. We waited and waited. Finally his beautiful eyes were opened and I picked our son up.

Now, I am an adoption "veteran". I know that during the first meeting of adoptive parents and children, the Disney music is NOT always playing in the background. However, I had not prepared myself for our son's crying. Henry was emotionally attached to the wonderful caretakers at the transition house. In his world, he knew who was supposed to be there lifting him out of his crib - and it wasn't 1) a man who 2) spoke a language he had never heard. My son started crying and had to be taken by his nanny to calm and soothe him.

I, the adoption vet, felt terrible. I was tired from jet lag and totally depressed. I tried to put on a brave face, but I was bummed. Candy wisely played off the tenderness of the nanny who absolutely loved our son. Watching her, learning from her, my wife began the long process of bonding with our boy. I moped around the margins.



The next day, we went back for our "gotcha day". It didn't take long for me to get over that initial disappointment. When we picked up Henry and carried him to the van, he cried out for his "mama".  We knew he was calling for his nanny.



With crocodile tears in his eyes, we left the transition home ready to become our son's parents. Little did I know that this little boy who loved his nanny and cried out for her would quickly attach to Candy.

In the early days, Henry was attached to my wife's hip. He demanded that he be carried everywhere. Carrying a 23 month old constantly is exhausting but Candy carried him because he needed to be held, he needed to be close, he needed to feel the warmth of her skin.



In this way he knew he was loved and cared for. For Henry, this was his way of attaching to us.
Well, he was attaching to my wife.  Henry would come to me, but I was not someone he looked for when he needed comfort, soothing, love.... my bonding time with Henry would look very different.

The first 7-9 months, Henry routinely awoke anytime between 4am and 5am. I would bundle him up, put him in the stroller and we'd walk - anywhere between 2-4 miles. This was a wonderful way for Henry to learn that I was not a bad guy. He was close to me, but not touching me. This is the way he needed to bond to me.
 For us, a major treat was when Henry stayed asleep until 6 or 6:15. But, as tired as I was, those early mornings yielded beautiful bonding between Father and Son. Sure, it wasn't the recipe used in many adoption books but it was the one Henry needed.

Now, Henry is my bud and whenever I am not home, he constantly calls for "Daddy". Conversely, whenever Candy is out of sight, he wants "Mommy".

Figuring out how Henry needed to bond to each of us has made our family connection strong.

Attachment & Sleeping

Many have asked, have you had attachment/bonding issues issues with Henry?

Adoption.com describes "Bonding"- is "falling in love" with your child and your child with you.

Rob and I have definitely bonded with Henry. I believe that Henry has bonded with us.


Adoption.com describes "Secure Attachment" - Child rests comfortably in mother's arms and makes good eye contact with child. Eye contact between mother and child is reciprocal and both of them feel at one. When mother leaves the child and separation occurs, the child feels distress. When mother returns, the child is delighted to see the mother and the mother is delighted to see the child. The child will quickly settle into mother's arms and refuel. The child will be ready for a nap or will be ready to venture into the world until he tires and is ready to refuel again. This process will be repeated thousands of times until object constancy is attained.


Henry and I are approaching a "Secure Attachment". Henry and I have great eye contact but we still practice eye contact by doing silly things such as rubbing noses, peek-a-boo or exchanging Cheerios mouth to mouth. When I leave Henry with Rob or Henry THINKS I am about to leave he sobs, stomps his feet, he will run to get his shoes. When I return Henry waves, smiles, giggles and/or runs to me. When he is scared, tired or confused he seeks me out, he will demand to be held. All these things point to us building a secure attachment. However, they must be done over and over again, repeated thousands of times in order for a secure attachment to be formed.

Rob and Henry's attachment is in the beginning stages. Only in the last week has Henry chosen to go to Rob over me. When Henry is upset or distressed and needs comfort he will occasionally allow Rob to comfort him. This morning was the first time that Henry cuddled with Rob in the bed. Normally Henry comes to my side of the bed and wants to be right next to my body. This morning Henry laid right next to Rob and gave him a kiss. It was such a sweet moment.


Overall, I am thrilled with Henry's attachment to us and us to him. At the Transitional Home Rob and I were very concerned about how Henry would attach to us. I will ask Rob to write a post describing our first meeting with Henry and Henry's initial rejection of us.

Henry has been waking up around 2 or 3 AM but no longer cries! He talks to himself or sings and then falls back to sleep! Since DST he has been getting up around 5:30AM! We are so pleased that Henry is finally on a consistent sleeping schedule.

May 2005

Three years ago this week, Rob and I walked into the Pechory Orphan House in Russia and met our son Igor for the very first time. Igor was just shy of his third birthday. During our visits we played with Igor. He whispered one word to me- pazhalusta (you're welcome) during our visit and said- dosveedanyados (goodbye) as we left. Our son was cute with strawberry blond hair and eyes the color of Rob's. It was hard to leave Russia without Igor. It was a joy to return 6 months later for our court hearing and bring him home.

Some adoptive moms/dads fall instantly in love with their child when they see his/her picture. It wasn't like that for us. We thought Igor was adorable and cute.... we knew he was our son but did we really love him the instant we saw him?? Honestly, no. (no judgments, please) We chose to love Igor. Once he was home we did everything we could to get him healthy, catch him up physically, emotionally, etc. But as much as Igor needed to attach to us, we needed to attach to him. Over time we attached to one another and began to love Igor in a way I never thought I could love someone.

Tonight at dinner, Igor got up from his chair and whispered, "I love you dad" in Rob's ear and then whispered, "I love you mom" in my ear. What sweet, sweet words. We love you Igor! More than you can imagine.