We had a comment on our blog questioning birth order.
Do you have any resources or other advice about it...it's probably just prayer. Our oldest is saying she wants a sister her age. She is 4 but has been saying this all year. Should we listen to her?
I'm not a social worker I'm a mom so these are my opinions based on my family and my mom experience.
I think parents should take a good look at their family and their child(ren) when deciding whether to break birth order. Start observing and understanding your child when they are around other children. Talk to your social worker, speak with families who have broken the birth order successfully and unsuccessfully.
Our son Igor was an only child and acted like a first born. When other children were around, he'd organize the games, assign seats for dinner, and make rules.... he was a leader. We knew early on that he needed to be the oldest child in our growing family. We talked at length with our social worker about birth order. Our social worker had observed Igor in Post Placement meetings and other settings. She did not think Igor would adjust well to being in any other birth position than oldest.
For this adoption we thought Henry could remain as the baby or do well as a middle child. Henry is very laid back, he loves being the baby but does very well with younger children. After discussing birth order with our social worker she approved us for a child between 18 months and 5 years old. With this age range Henry may be the baby or may become the middle child. I think in either position Henry will thrive.
We did not talk about twinning Henry in our social worker meetings. Our agency doesn't recommend artificially twinning but has done it with mixed results. I have talked with families were it has worked well but in some families it has been a difficult adjustment.
If you are considering going out of birth order or artificially twinning talk with your social worker. Ask your social worker to connect you with families who have done it successfully and with families who have struggled.
Here are some articles and blogs on the topic: