Today I am in a very strange place. I wish I could identify exactly what I am feeling but I cannot. I have felt this way all day and I am ready to feel something different.
This morning I read an adoptive mom's comments about her adopted child. Their transition has been a difficult one. The mom wrote that the adoptive child, for the very first time, did something sweet and loving. The mom wrote when this happened "it was all worth it." I was stunned. Was the mom trying to say that finally she connected with her daughter on a more personal level so the pain of the last few months was worth it? Or was she saying that the adoption was worth it because her daughter showed her love back? I don't know this woman so I cannot ask her.
The phrase- it was all worth it- has been ringing in my ears all day. I know parents want their children to love them but what if the child doesn't show the love and affection the parent believes they should receive? is it still all worth it? Isn't the job of the parent to show consistent and constant love for the child whether the child shows us love back? Shouldn't it all be worth it when the child is placed into our arms? Do we as adoptive parents have our own litmus test for when it's all worth it? So, I continue to ponder these questions and the adoptive mom's comments. Feel free to tell me what you think. I am being too harsh? I know adoption can be trying and a major adjustment mentally and physically. I know that it's not always what we dreamt it to be.
The other thing on my mind is a parenting class being held tomorrow. When I first read the flier I was very excited. This sentence spoke to me : Do you ever wonder what you can be doing in this moment to help your child heal from traumatic experiences?
Ummm, why yes, I do wonder that, I have wondered this for almost 4 years. I started reading the speaker's blog and I'm no longer excited. When I read "...release your parenting fears.." and "...the light within yourself needs to be nurtured as well" on her blog I thought what is this woman talking about? I also thought, this woman is weird. I know it's judgemental but it's what I thought. So, when the words- is it worth it- weren't ringing in my ears, I was wondering if I should go to the parenting class. Will I be wasting 5 hours and several gallons of gas tomorrow? Or does this woman have some insight into wounded children?
Ahh... I finally know what I have felt all day- I am conflicted.
4 comments:
Interesting blog Candy...
I know that I respond so much to love given back to me. It eases all the troubles in the relationship, even for a time. I forget all the rejection and frustration and realize in that moment that indeed, it is worth it to love someone!
However, I truly believe that even if someone does NOT return love to me that I am called by Christ to unconditionally love them. He does it to us...He loved us in our sinful, unrighteous muck and mire. I know that my feelings and maybe my heart might not immediatly follow what I know to be truth though. It is hard to feel like it is "worth it all" when we are rejected. But I believe that ultimatley that is what I am called to do and to try to not follow my feelings that say otherwise. It is easier said than done a thousand times over!
Does that make any sense? :)
I love your train of thought, Candy-- I especially love that you shared it. I have been trying to share openly about our adoption journey during travel and now that we are home. Sometimes I wonder when I will "feel" like they truly are MY children, and not be so foreign to me-- but no matter how long that takes, or if the "feeling" bonds of attachment come sooner or later-- or never at all... it is always worth it... because it is not about me. I absolutely agree that our job as parents is to love-- as an action, despite the emotions or response back. I will be the first to admit that a lot of times I lose this perspective and am overwhelmed by the emotions of love rather than the actions of it-- and my role as teacher in the process of teaching my children what true God-filled love is. I know that God called our family into adoption and now I have to know that He is seeing us through.
My love to you,
Shari :)
Hilary, you make complete sense! Over and over I have to choose to love over the emotion I am feeling. As a Christian I am called to love but like you said it is easier said than done.
candy
Shari- I love your thoughts! I know He will see you through as well.
candy
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