Today I am in a very strange place. I wish I could identify exactly what I am feeling but I cannot. I have felt this way all day and I am ready to feel something different.
This morning I read an adoptive mom's comments about her adopted child. Their transition has been a difficult one. The mom wrote that the adoptive child, for the very first time, did something sweet and loving. The mom wrote when this happened "it was all worth it." I was stunned. Was the mom trying to say that finally she connected with her daughter on a more personal level so the pain of the last few months was worth it? Or was she saying that the adoption was worth it because her daughter showed her love back? I don't know this woman so I cannot ask her.
The phrase- it was all worth it- has been ringing in my ears all day. I know parents want their children to love them but what if the child doesn't show the love and affection the parent believes they should receive? is it still all worth it? Isn't the job of the parent to show consistent and constant love for the child whether the child shows us love back? Shouldn't it all be worth it when the child is placed into our arms? Do we as adoptive parents have our own litmus test for when it's all worth it? So, I continue to ponder these questions and the adoptive mom's comments. Feel free to tell me what you think. I am being too harsh? I know adoption can be trying and a major adjustment mentally and physically. I know that it's not always what we dreamt it to be.
The other thing on my mind is a parenting class being held tomorrow. When I first read the flier I was very excited. This sentence spoke to me : Do you ever wonder what you can be doing in this moment to help your child heal from traumatic experiences?
Ummm, why yes, I do wonder that, I have wondered this for almost 4 years. I started reading the speaker's blog and I'm no longer excited. When I read "...release your parenting fears.." and "...the light within yourself needs to be nurtured as well" on her blog I thought what is this woman talking about? I also thought, this woman is weird. I know it's judgemental but it's what I thought. So, when the words- is it worth it- weren't ringing in my ears, I was wondering if I should go to the parenting class. Will I be wasting 5 hours and several gallons of gas tomorrow? Or does this woman have some insight into wounded children?
Ahh... I finally know what I have felt all day- I am conflicted.